What you must know when people criticize you

在开始我们今天的话题之前,我想首先问大家一个问题:当你遭受指责和批评时,你会选择怎么做呢?

zài kāi shǐ wǒ men jīn tiān de huà tí zhī qián,wǒ xiǎnɡ shǒu xiān wèn dà jiā yí ɡè wèn tí:dānɡ nǐ zāo shòu zhǐ zé hé pī pínɡ shí , nǐ huì xuǎn zé zěn me zuò ne ? 

Before starting our topic today, I want to ask you a question first: When you are criticized , what will you do?

你是不是会首先看看自己是不是真的犯错了?

nǐ shì bu shì huì shǒu xiān kàn kan zì jǐ shì bu shì zhēn de fàn cuò le ?   

Will you check first and see if you really made a mistake?

如果是自己的问题,就坦白承认自己的错误。

rú ɡuǒ shì zì jǐ de wèn tí,jiù tǎn bái chénɡ rèn zì jǐ de cuò wù。

If it’s your own problem, you will just admit your mistakes frankly.

要是自己并没有错的话,你会怎么办?

yào shì zì jǐ bìnɡ méi yǒu cuò de huà,nǐ huì zěn me bàn ?   

If you are not wrong, what would you do?

你会不会直接理直气壮地说:这并不是我的问题,我没有错!甚至希望对方一定要调查清楚,还自己一个清白?

nǐ huì bu huì zhí jiē lǐ zhí qì zhuànɡ de shuō:zhè bìnɡ bú shì wǒ de wèn tí,wǒ méi yǒu cuò!shèn zhì xī wànɡ duì fānɡ yí dìnɡ yào diào chá qīnɡ chu,huán zì jǐ yí ɡè qīnɡ bái?   

Would you say directly and confidently: This is not my problem, I am not wrong! You even hope  that they  can investigate and prove that you are innocent?

乍一看,这样的处理方式没有什么不妥,但是如果你仔细想想,可能会有不同的或者更圆满的做法,特别是在中国。

At first glance, there is nothing wrong with this approach, but if you think about it, there may be a different or more satisfactory approach, especially in China.

在受到指责和批评的时候,首先我们需要搞清楚指责我们的人是谁,其次,也要知道他和自己关系如何,最后再来决定如何应对这件事。

zài shòu dào zhǐ zé hé pī pínɡ de shí hou,shǒu xiān wǒ men xū yào ɡǎo qīnɡ chu zhǐ zé wǒ men de rén shì shuí,qí cì,yě yào zhī dào tā hé zì jǐ ɡuān xi rú hé,zuì hòu zài lái jué dìnɡ rú hé yìnɡ duì zhè jiàn shì。   

When being criticized, first ,we need to figure out who is criticizing us, and secondly, we also need to know how he is related to us, and finally decide how to deal with this matter.

01

对上级 To your superiors

当指责你的人职位和声望比都你高时,那么最好的应对方式就是:

dānɡ zhǐ zé nǐ de rén zhí wèi hé shēnɡ wànɡ bǐ dōu nǐ ɡāo shí,nà me zuì hǎo de yìnɡ duì fānɡ shì jiù shì : 

When the person who blames you has a higher position and reputation than you, the best way to deal with it is:

(1)如果你发现的确是自己的问题,你要赶快向他道歉,并且设法获得谅解。

rú ɡuǒ nǐ fā xiàn dí què shì zì jǐ de wèn tí,nǐ yào ɡǎn kuài xiànɡ tā dào qiàn,bìnɡ qiě shè fǎ huò dé liànɡ jiě。   

If you find out it’s really your problem, you have to apologize to him as soon as possible and try to get forgiveness.

(2)如果你发现自己并没有错。那么,就保持沉默。

rú ɡuǒ nǐ fā xiàn zì jǐ bìnɡ méi yǒu cuò 。nà me , jiù bǎo chí chén mò 。   

If you find that you are not wrong. Then, keep silent.

关于第一种方式,我们就不做更多的讨论了,这应该是每个人共识。

ɡuān yú dì yì zhǒnɡ fānɡ shì,wǒ men jiù bú zuò ɡènɡ duō de tǎo lùn le,zhè yīnɡ ɡāi shì měi ɡè rén ɡònɡ shí。  

Regarding the first method, we will not do more discussion, it should be everyone’s consensus.

我们今天主要来聊聊第二种应对方式。

 wǒ men jīn tiān zhǔ yào lái liáo liáo dì èr zhǒnɡ yìnɡ duì fānɡ shì。

We will mainly talk about the second coping style today.

老子有句话叫:多言数穷,不如守中。意思是人说的话多,往往会使自己陷入困境,还不如保持虚静沉默,把话留在心里。有时候什么也不说更有力量,因为沉默时,让人觉得充满暗示。

lǎo zǐ yǒu jù huà jiào:duō yán shù qiónɡ,bù rú shǒu zhōnɡ。yì si shì rén shuō de huà duō, wánɡ wǎnɡ huì shǐ zì jǐ xiàn rù kùn jìnɡ,hái bù rú bǎo chí xū jìnɡ chén mò,bǎ huà liú zài xīn lǐ。yǒu shí hou shén me yě bù shuō ɡènɡ yǒu lì liànɡ,yīn wèi chén mò shí,rànɡ rén jué de chōnɡ mǎn àn shì。   

Lao Tzu has a saying: 多言数穷,不如守中 (duō yán shù qiónɡ,bù rú shǒu zhōnɡ。) It means if people say too many things and they will often get into trouble. It is better to keep quiet and keep the words in your heart. Sometimes it is more powerful to say nothing, because silence is full of hints.

对上级而言,保持沉默,其实已经等于是申诉。当你保持沉默时,上级往往会觉得非常奇怪,并开始反省:“我说他错了,他怎么什么都不说,不否认也不承认,只是默默回到自己的座位上,继续埋头工作。真奇怪!”之后,上级会因为好奇而主动去调查事情的原委,因此,他内心并不会有什么不满,内心也会比较平静。

duì shànɡ jí ér yán,bǎo chí chén mò,qí shí yǐ jīnɡ děnɡ yú shì shēn sù。dānɡ nǐ bǎo chí chén mò shí,shànɡ jí wánɡ wǎnɡ huì jué de fēi chánɡ qí ɡuài,bìnɡ kāi shǐ fán xǐnɡ:“ wǒ shuō tā cuò le,tā zěn me shén me dōu bù shuō,bù fǒu rèn yě bù chénɡ rèn,zhǐ shì mò mò huí dào zì jǐ de zuò wèi shànɡ,jì xù mái tóu ɡōnɡ zuò。zhēn qí ɡuài” zhī hòu,shànɡ jí huì yīn wèi hào qí ér zhǔ dònɡ qù diào chá shì qínɡ de yuán wěi,yīn cǐ,tā nèi xīn bìnɡ bú huì yǒu shén me bù mǎn,nèi xīn yě huì bǐ jiào pínɡ jìnɡ。   

As far as the superior is concerned, keeping silent is actually an appeal. When you remain silent, your superior often feels very strange and starts to examine himself : “I said he was wrong. But he didn’t say anything, didn’t deny or admit it, and only silently returned to his seat and continued to work. It’s weird!” After that, the superior will take the initiative to investigate the matter because of curiosity. Therefore, he will be calmer instead of feeling resentful.

经过一番调查后,如果他发现,原来你并没有错。他极有可能会笑着跟你说:“我把整个事情弄清楚了,才知道你并没有错,不过,你既然没有错,为什么不跟我说呢?”

jīnɡ ɡuò yì fān diào chá hòu,rú ɡuǒ tā fā xiàn,yuán lái nǐ bìnɡ méi yǒu cuò。tā jí yǒu kě nénɡ huì xiào zhe ɡēn nǐ shuō:“ wǒ bǎ zhěnɡ ɡè shì qínɡ nònɡ qīnɡ chu le,cái zhī dào nǐ bìnɡ méi yǒu cuò,bú ɡuò,nǐ jì rán méi yǒu cuò,wèi shén me bù ɡēn wǒ shuō ne?”   

After investigation, if it turns out that you are not wrong. He will most likely smile and say: “I figured out the whole thing, only to know that you are not wrong, but since you are not wrong, why don’t you tell me?”

这时候,你一定要明白,上级的这句话听起来好像是在责备你,其实他是在道歉,真正的意思是:“对不起,是我错怪你了!”。如果这时候,你还能非常谦虚地说:“有啦,我还是有一些地方做得不够好,需要继续改进。”。上级在以后的日子里一定会用行动来补偿他曾经责备你对你产生的伤害,可能会更加重用你,给你更多学习,锻炼的机会。因为你不但表现出了对上级的尊重,没有让他丢了面子,还表达了你谦虚的态度和想要不断提高自己业务能力的愿望,这样的结局岂不更圆满?

zhè shí hou,nǐ yí dìnɡ yào mínɡ bɑi,shànɡ jí de zhè jù huà tīnɡ qǐ lái hǎo xiànɡ shì zài zé bèi nǐ, qí shí tā shì zài dào qiàn,zhēn zhènɡ de yì si shì:“ duì bù qǐ,shì wǒ cuò ɡuài nǐ le” 。rú ɡuǒ zhè shí hou,nǐ hái nénɡ fēi chánɡ qiān xū dì shuō:“ yǒu la,wǒ hái shì yǒu yì xiē dì fanɡ zuò de bú ɡòu hǎo,xū yào jì xù ɡǎi jìn。” 。shànɡ jí zài yǐ hòu de rì zi lǐ yí dìnɡ huì yònɡ xínɡ dònɡ lái bǔ chánɡ tā cénɡ jīnɡ zé bèi nǐ duì nǐ chǎn shēnɡ de shānɡ hài,kě nénɡ huì ɡènɡ jiā zhònɡ yònɡ nǐ, ɡěi nǐ ɡènɡ duō xué xí,duàn liàn de jī huì。yīn wèi nǐ bú dàn biǎo xiàn chū le duì shànɡ jí de zūn zhònɡ,méi yǒu rànɡ tā diū le miàn zi,hái biǎo dá le nǐ qiān xū de tài dù hé xiǎnɡ yào bú duàn tí ɡāo zì jǐ yè wù nénɡ lì de yuàn wànɡ,zhè yànɡ de jié jú qǐ bú ɡènɡ yuán mǎn?   

At this time, you must understand that this sentence from the superior sounds like he is blaming you, but in fact he is apologizing. The real meaning is: “I’m sorry, I blamed you wrongly!”. If you can still reply very modestly: “There are still some areas where I haven’t done well enough, and I need to continue to improve myself.”. In the days to come, the superior will definitely take actions to compensate for the harm he once blamed on you, and he may give you more opportunities to learn and practice. Not only did you show respect for your superiors and didn’t let him lose face, but you also expressed your humble attitude and desire to continuously improve your ability. Wouldn’t this end be more satisfactory?

那如果你发现自己没有错的时候,直接了当说:“这并不是我的问题,我没有错!希望您能调查清楚。”结果可能会怎么样呢?

nà rú ɡuǒ nǐ fā xiàn zì jǐ méi yǒu cuò de shí hou,zhí jiē liǎo dānɡ shuō:“ zhè bìnɡ bú shì wǒ de wèn tí, wǒ méi yǒu cuò!xī wànɡ nín nénɡ diào chá qīnɡ chu。” jié ɡuǒ kě nénɡ huì zěn me yànɡ ne?   

Then if you find that you are not wrong, just say: “This is not my problem, I am not wrong! I hope you can investigate clearly.” .What might be the result?

如果领导迫于无奈,进行了调查,结果还发现是他自己判断错误了,他一定会觉得非常没有面子,他不但必须直接承认自己判断失误的事实,还可能要直接向你道歉:“对不起,你没有错,是我看错了。”那么在以后的日子里,上级一定会对跟你有关的事情加倍小心,处理方式也可能会非常理性,一旦下次你真的犯了什么错误,处理过程中也就没有任何人情可言了。当然,他也有可能再也不会指出你的过失,这样你也可能少了很多学习进步的机会,也不会得到上级的重用。所以,最后吃亏的可能还是你自己。

rú ɡuǒ línɡ dǎo pò yú wú nài,jìn xínɡ le diào chá,jié ɡuǒ hái fā xiàn shì tā zì jǐ pàn duàn cuò wù le,tā yí dìnɡ huì jué de fēi chánɡ méi yǒu miàn zi,tā bú dàn bì xū zhí jiē chénɡ rèn zì jǐ pàn duàn shī wù de shì shí,hái kě nénɡ yào zhí jiē xiànɡ nǐ dào qiàn:“ duì bù qǐ,nǐ méi yǒu cuò,shì wǒ kàn cuò le。” nà me zài yǐ hòu de rì zi lǐ,shànɡ jí yí dìnɡ huì duì ɡēn nǐ yǒu ɡuān de shì qínɡ jiā bèi xiǎo xīn,chú lǐ fānɡ shì yě kě nénɡ huì fēi chánɡ lǐ xìnɡ, yí dàn xià cì nǐ zhēn de fàn le shén me cuò wù,chú lǐ ɡuò chénɡ zhōnɡ yě jiù méi yǒu rèn hé rén qínɡ kě yán le。dānɡ rán,tā yě yǒu kě nénɡ zài yě bú huì zhǐ chū nǐ de ɡuò shī,zhè yànɡ nǐ yě kě nénɡ shǎo le hěn duō xué xí jìn bù de jī huì, yě bú huì dé dào shànɡ jí de zhònɡ yònɡ。suó yǐ,zuì hòu chī kuī de kě nénɡ hái shì nǐ zì jǐ。   

If the leader is forced to do an investigation and finds that he has made a mistake, he will definitely feel that he lost his face. Not only must he directly admit the fact that he has made a mistake, but he may also need to directly apologize to you: “I’m sorry, You are not wrong, it’s my fault.” Then in the days to come, your superiors will be more careful about matters related to you. Once you do make a mistake next time, the way he deal with it may be very rational. Of course, he may never point out your mistakes again, so you may have a lot less opportunities for learning and progress, and you will not be trusted and valued. So, you may still suffer  losses in the end.

02

对平级 To peers

当指责你的人职位和声望跟你差不多时,常见的反应是:

dānɡ zhǐ zé nǐ de rén zhí wèi hé shēnɡ wànɡ ɡēn nǐ chà bù duō shí,chánɡ jiàn de fǎn yìnɡ shì : 

When the position and reputation of the person who blames you is similar to yours, the common way to handle it is:

(1)一是一,二是二。我承认自己有错。

yí shì yī, èr shì èr。wǒ chénɡ rèn zì jǐ yǒu cuò。   

One is one, two is two (This is one idiom, means things are perfectly clear-out.) I admit that I was wrong.

(2)可能在这件事情上,大家都心知肚明,为了保持大家的颜面,没有说出来。但是既然你不顾我的面子,公开指责我的错误了,我也就没有什么好顾虑的了。如果在这件事情上大家都有问题,我可能也会公开说出你的错误。你也不必怪我无情。

kě nénɡ zài zhè jiàn shì qínɡ shànɡ,dà jiā dōu xīn zhī dù mínɡ,wèi le bǎo chí dà jiā de yán miàn, méi yǒu shuō chū lái。dàn shì jì rán nǐ bú ɡù wǒ de miàn zi,ɡōnɡ kāi zhǐ zé wǒ de cuò wù le,wǒ yě jiù méi yǒu shén me hǎo ɡù lǜ de le。rú ɡuǒ zài zhè jiàn shì qínɡ shànɡ dà jiā dōu yǒu wèn tí, wǒ kě nénɡ yě huì ɡōnɡ kāi shuō chū nǐ de cuò wù。nǐ yě bú bì ɡuài wǒ wú qínɡ。   

Regarding this matter, everyone might be well aware. They didn’t say anything about it so that they can keep everyone’s face, . But since you disregarded my face and publicly accused me of my mistakes, I have nothing to worry about. If everyone has problems in this matter, I might also publicly say your mistakes. And you also can’t blame me for being ruthless.

在中国人看来,你如何对待我,我就如何对待你。所以,你自己对待别人的方式其实在一定程度上决定了别人如何对待你!

zài zhōnɡ ɡuó rén kàn lái,nǐ rú hé duì dài wǒ,wǒ jiù rú hé duì dài nǐ。suó yǐ,nǐ zì jǐ duì dài bié rén de fānɡ shì qí shí zai yí dìnɡ chénɡ dù shànɡ jué dìnɡ le bié rén rú hé duì dài nǐ! 

From the perspective of the Chinese, I will treat you as you treat me. Therefore, the way you treat others actually determines how others treat you, to a certain extent!

大家有错不是不可以说,而是要注意说的方式,如果有错误不说出来,我们怎么可能有进步?在保全彼此面子的同时,本着互帮互助,为他人着想的初心,用合适的方式提醒对方的错误,这样岂不是皆大欢喜?

dà jiā yǒu cuò bú shì bù ké yǐ shuō,ér shì yào zhù yì shuō de fānɡ shì,rú ɡuǒ yǒu cuò wù bù shuō chū lái,wǒ men zěn me kě nénɡ yǒu jìn bù?zài bǎo quán bí cǐ miàn zi de tónɡ shí,běn zhe hù bānɡ hù zhù,wéi tā rén zhuó xiǎnɡ de chū xīn,yònɡ hé shì de fānɡ shì tí xǐnɡ duì fānɡ de cuò wù,zhè yànɡ qǐ bú shì jiē dà huān xǐ ?  

It’s not that you can’t say anything when others make mistakes, but you should pay attention to the way you say it. If you don’t say it, how can we make progress? While preserving each other’s face, with the original intention of helping each other and being considerate of others, using appropriate methods to remind each other of their mistakes, wouldn’t everyone be happier?

03

对下级 To subordinates

当指责我们的人职位和声望都不如你时。这时候首先需要做的不是毫不犹豫做出反应,而是首先要搞清楚,这个人的背后是不是有人在给他撑腰。如果是,你大可不必理会指责你的人,而是让背后的人帮助你化解问题。

dānɡ zhǐ zé wǒ men de rén zhí wèi hé shēnɡ wànɡ dōu bù rú nǐ shí。zhè shí hou shǒu xiān xū yào zuò de bú shì háo bù yóu yù zuò chū fǎn yìnɡ,ér shì shǒu xiān yào ɡǎo qīnɡ chu,zhè ɡe rén de bèi hòu shì bu shì yǒu rén zài ɡěi tā chēnɡ yāo。rú ɡuǒ shì,nǐ dà kě bú bì lǐ huì zhǐ zé nǐ de rén,ér shì rànɡ bèi hòu de rén bānɡ zhù nǐ huà jiě wèn tí。   

When the position and reputation of the person who blames you is not as good as yours. At this time, the first thing that needs to be done is not to react without hesitation, but to figure out whether someone behind this person is supporting him. If so, you don’t need to pay attention to the person who blames you, but let the people behind help you solve the problem.

总结

 zǒnɡ jié / Conclusion

如果遇到别人指责自己,而申诉又不影响他人,我们需要考虑的是,什么样的办法更有效。处理之前,你只是需要考虑三个大的方向:对自己的上级,对跟自己平级的同事,对下级。你需要想清楚他们的背景,未来发展和他们指责的用意,然后调整自己的应对方式。有时候,不申诉反而能获得一位良师益友,或者得到一位提携自己的上司。

rú ɡuǒ yù dào bié rén zhǐ zé zì jǐ,ér shēn sù yòu bù yínɡ xiǎnɡ tā rén,wǒ men xū yào kǎo lǜ de shì,shén me yànɡ de bàn fǎ ɡènɡ yǒu xiào。chú lǐ zhī qián,nǐ zhǐ shì xū yào kǎo lǜ sān ɡè dà de fānɡ xiànɡ:duì zì jǐ de shànɡ jí,duì ɡēn zì jǐ pínɡ jí de tónɡ shì,duì xià jí 。nǐ xū yào xiǎnɡ qīnɡ chu tā men de bèi jǐnɡ,wèi lái fā zhǎn hé tā men zhǐ zé de yònɡ yì, rán hòu tiáo zhěnɡ zì jǐ de yìnɡ duì fānɡ shì。yǒu shí hou,bù shēn sù fǎn ér nénɡ huò dé yí wèi liánɡ shī yì yǒu,huò zhě dé dào yí wèi tí xié zì jǐ de shànɡ sī 。   

If we encounter others accusing ourselves, and the appeal does not affect others, we need to consider what kind of method is more effective. Before proceeding, you just need to consider three general directions: to your superiors, to peers, and to subordinates.You need to think about their background, future development and also why they criticize you, then you can adjust the way how you want to handle. Sometimes, if you don’t complaining, you can get a good mentor, or a boss who can help you.

这就是今天我要跟你分享的内容,希望对你有帮助。

zhè jiù shì jīn tiān wǒ yào gēn nǐ fēn xiǎng de nèi róng, xī wàng duì nǐ yǒu bāng zhù。 

This is what I want to share with you today, I hope it helps .

你曾经遇到哪些让你感觉很困惑的事情,欢迎你在留言区跟我分享。

nǐ céng jīng yù dào nǎ xiē ràng nǐ gǎn jué hěn kùn huò de shì qíng, huān yíng nǐ zài liú yán qū gēn wǒ fēn xiǎng。

Are there any other things which make you confused ?Welcome to share with me in the comments section.

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